Sorry there's literally nothing here like this page is just gonna be me saying shit that probably doesn't make sense but I have lots of thoughts that I need out into the big blue world of the internet.

A bunch of BS, won't be organized for a while, at least until I make a proper journal page but school biting me in the ass so. Some personal things, some blog entries, idk read if you'd like to.

I've known that I was gender queer in some way since I was in the 5th grade, I just couldn't pin point exactly how I felt at the time since my gender identity comes with so many complicated emotions and feelings that I couldn't really process at that age. Now that I've matured a bit and can recognize my own thoughts much better, I've labeled myself as genderfluid. While I still agree with this title, part of me believes I'm only settling with genderfluidity because I'm too scared of being fully trans. I've always been raised in a religious household where being gay or trans is deemed a sin and if you identify that way, you must be prayed over and cleansed. Growing up this way, I've always, whether consciously or not, tried to bury who I am and how I feel just to satisfy my parents and partly myself because I so desperately want to align with the Christian beliefs I was raised in. But all that this has done has made me a sad shell of a person, so while I still hide who I am with my parents, I've started socially transitioning with my friends and partner, who have all happily accepted me as who I am. But even still, in my heart I still feel incorrect, am I really a girl sometimes? Or at all? Distinguishing this has become really difficult because I'm mostly a very feminine boy, I wear dresses, skirts, frilly tops, I watch romance animes and books, I love pink and pastels, a bunch of typically feminine things. And while I've come to terms that I can be a boy and enjoy girly things, I think I'm still holding onto the genderfluid title soley because I'm scared of letting go of who I once was. Yes, identifying as a cis girl made my mind hell, but she was her mom and dad's little girl. Identifying as a trans boy would be ripping them away from their daughter, but it'd make me free.

Sometimes I wish I had a cooler style. I'll scroll thru neocities and find a really unique site and it fills me with happiness but I also get really bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I love all things kawaii, heisei retro, and cute, like I've dedicated my life to being cute but I just sometimes wish I could choose to love a different style and fully dedicate myself to it. I know I can always love two aesthetics or lifestyles at once, but I've lived all my life so loyal to kawaii culture that sometimes I feel like I can't adore another style in the same way.

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