angels diary

coding skills gone up but mi profile gone down ;_;

entry 6 ♡ 4/5/26

I don't get it, my coding skills have gotten so much better than 3 years ago, yet my profile so far is like a pebble in comparison to how cute it looked b4.

I've literally taken CS classes, made my own neocities website, coded mi tumblr profile, etc in the time I've been away from spacehey and deleted my profile so obviously this shud b a breeze but omg I don't even know what's off with my profile. Something about it just pisses me off so bad. I miss the mess of rainbow images and over the top text my profile was last year when I still used spacehey and now it's just minimalistic sludge.   

I miss feeling guilty about ripping layouts apart to find pieces of cute code I couldn't figure out how to make myself but grabbing it anyway. I miss my profile being broken half of the time but not caring because it was super mega adorable. I MISS MY RAINBOW HEADER AND I DON'T REMEMBER OR KNOW HOW TO BRING IT BACK. I miss my L Lawliet video player.. but the video got taken down... 

I wish JS and editing divs was a possibility cuz maybe then I'd b able to make something half decent. I want to move every little section around. The comments would go under the 2 columns, the navigation would turn into a moveable remote, there'd be draggable elements EVERYWHERE, etc etc. OMG don't get me started on the shitty image hosting. I can host an image on imgur, pinterest, discord, catbox, dropbox, EVERY POSSIBLE IMAGE HOSTING SITE and nothing will work. I still mourn my aquarium gif. 

idk how 2 bring mi profile 2 life again so possibly thinking ab giving up and hyperfocusing on mi website again.   

But my hands r kinda tied because I don't wanna have to code every single time I wanna write a blog post on my website but I might die if I have to write blog posts on a boring spacehey profile so. It's just so much easier to make my spacehey profile decently cute and linking my spacehey on my blog button on SPRINKLES than having 2 go thru the trouble of coding a blog page from scratch. idk que to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

wish angel boy-girl thing he/him

:3

source:spacehey bulletin

singing french boi

entry 5 ♡ 3/9/26

Oh my goddddnsneususnd...

There's this super mega cutieful french boi in my french class and I genuinely canNOT stop thinking about him. I've BEEN noticing him since the beginning of the semester but like the crush has really only started kicking in recently.

He's this cute pale french boy with short swept to the side black hair, the CUTEST BUTTON NOSE EVERRR, the sweetest face, cutie little braces, and really super mega beautiful handsdsdsdsds.

He's not the talkative type, I can't even really remember his voice that well since he literally never talks in class without being called upon but I remember it being really sweet and cute ihawdiuhbdwa. He's so adorable when he laughs but tries to hide it omgaiwhd the corners of his mouth perk up and he smiles with his teeth and hides his face with his arm andawiopjdwaoih. My friends that sit at his table also talk ab how sweet and kind he is like oh my goodness how can it get better. He's also in choir which I found out about since he wears a choir sweatshirt. I REALLY LIKE HOW HE DRESSES TOO!! He wears sweaters with collared shirts underneath and cargo pants and he looks so effing cuttteeeeeee.

He's genuinely like my type if I had one cuz I don't really care what my partner looks like, it just matters that we click but if I HAD to have a type, it'd be him. Right now, I think I just see him as really cute but I want to get to know him more, even if that's not as a romantic relationship.

But I genuinely don't know how to talk to new people like I can make friends ONLY if I've been introduced to them by mutual friends or sit next to them in class but we sit SEAS across from each other in french and I'm way too shy to ask my friend to introduce us. I feel like I've been nerfed and not been given like the step by step guide on how to talk to people when everyone else has but we ball ig.

I've been pushing my friend to learn more about him so I can have an excuse to talk to him about something he's interested in so we can become friends but the progress has been slow.. it's okey doe, I WILL talk to dat cutieful singing french boi soon.

lots of love, angel

i have nobody

entry 4 ♡ 3/2/26

mentions of death

I have no one. I'm alone. There is no one around me. Nobody sees all of my pain. It's so selfish and so awful, but I just wish I could display all of my hurt to everyone around me. Maybe then they'd care for me, be gentle with me, coddle me as if I would shatter with one wrong touch. I'm so horrible. That's why I'm alone. I drive everyone away. Because I'm horrible. My heart is full of hatred. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I wish I would just drop dead this very moment. Who would find me?

Every buzz from my phone, I truly wish it was from someone. Anyone. Telling me to talk. To pour everything out. I'm not of importance to those around me. I'm just there. I'm surrounded by people, by lovely people with beautiful hearts. And yet, I am so selfish to feel alone.

Someone please hear me cry, run to me and hold me, tell me it'll be okay, even if it won't. Help me stop thinking. Keep me against your embrace. I'm so alone. I do this to myself. I'm so alone. It's suffocating. I can't breath.

the humilation ritual of being a femboy

entry 3 ♡ 2/25/26

I think this would be more of a blog post but since I haven't coded that page yet, it'll go here for neow.

Being born feeling incorrect in your body is already like the worst nerf imagineable (/hj) but to align most closely with the title, "femboy" has to be like a curse sent down upon you.

My gender identity will NEVER be taken seriously because of how "contradicting" it sounds.

"Oh you're genderfluid but mostly male? But you dress like a girl? I'll just call you a girl because that's what you look like and you don't dress like a man."

The concept is so easy to grasp if you'd let me explain it but the more I try to correct people, the less they listen. Just because I dress femininely does NOT mean I'm a girl. If I dress more masculine, that does not mean I'm a guy either.

Sure, it may be a bit confusing and it really does challenge your brain to go against all the gender norms we've been fed since childhood but how difficult can it be to change how you refer to someone, especially if it actively helps someone view themselves better.

Femboys also just get treated like sex symbols by default and it's humiliating for those that don't wish to align with that narrative.

How I identity isn't a "YES!" label to being fetishized. My clothes and body aren't either. Even if we are a femboy and also want to be viewed in a sexual manner, we're still human with personality traits and interests aside from our sexuality.

who am I

entry 2 ♡ 2/23/26

vague mentions of suicide

I hate how easily I can go from being so happy about my life to so confused and anrgy.

Why do I feel like I don't belong in my own skin. My life isn't mine anymore. I feel so happy all the time but it's never genuine. I never feel at peace anymore. Everything is a momentary joy. I can never hold onto it. I'm so scared. I feel so scared. This feeling is seeping into everything and I don't know how to stop it. I need help but where do I go when I'm losing one of the most important people in my life and everyone else thinks I'm a happy go lucky, always smiling flower. Nobody even cares. I'm not me. It's like I'm watching everything happen from the compartment in my brain where I'm strapped in a chair, forced to watch myself make stupid decisions in an effort to regain some control or happiness but it never works. And the worst thing is, I know what the answer is. I know what'll bring me peace and acceptance of myself but I can't bring myself to reach for it. Why was I made like this. I only wish to sit and wallow in my own sorrow, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat, I don't want to breath. When will this feeling stop, when can I feel like me again. Not even a week ago I thought everything would be okay, I thought I would be okay.

How do I feel normal again. How do I feel right, correct in who I am.

Everything is so vain. Nothing I do matters, I'm always going to be this way.

I want someone to hold me, to cherish me like a precious stone that'll shatter if held with anything but gentleness and care. Even if I craved to live any longer, there would be nobody. Nobody to love me, nobody to love simply to love me. I am disgusting and vile, everything that touches me becomes stained with my filth. I'm so sorry. I wish I could bring myself to apologize to you. You're never going to know how awful I feel to have stained you. But I know ignorance will bring you more bliss so I will die with these apologies. I love you so much.

I hope when I die, the world is quiet. I can see the blaring sun set from the corner of my eye and everything around me is orange and happy. I can hear the bees. There's a little breeze, but my body is already too cold to feel it. I don't feel pain. Would my ghost be happily jumping, bounding around the town? Would he regret it? Would he feel upset to miss out on hanging out with his friends?

I never want to stop feeling this way. The depression is so comforting. I feel warm.

recent happy days ⊹ ࣪ ˖

entry 1 ♡ 2/22/26

I've been living such a beautiful life recently so me thinks it's time to document the past couple weeks!!

Valentines week was so cutieful bruv, all my classes were light as hell and we had a hangout planned on Thursday!! That was so freaking fun oh gosh. My friends and I spent some time after school at the weight room to get our gains fufufu which was actually pretty fun. It was myself, my unfunny duo Cailin, Oscazz, Melody, Viktor, and Victor! Once we were done, we made our way to Viktor's casa for some burgerzzz and they were sososo yum. They got some of those chocolate walmart cupcakes OMG they were fucking heaven sentttttt.. then we moved to Viktor's room and dabbled in som tonterías while playing with his cutieful kitty, Denji!! I was so sleepy doe cuz while the whole week was supa easy, I was still exhausted from EVERY WEEK PREVIOUS. :sob: But I still had a super sweet and fun time!!

VALENTINES-EVE WAS SPECTAUCLAR!!! Valentines Day has always been my numba 1 favorite holiday because it's a day fully dedicated to showing your loved ones care and appreciation through your love language. (Also because I love pink, hearts, polkadots, and love!) I've created a tradition of hand crafting gifts for all my friends on Valentines Day each year because I honestly value my friends over any sort of romantic partner and I think love towards your friends and family is always overlooked on Valentines Day.

I had spent a couple weeks crafting valentines chocolate/candy heart boxes for my friends as I do every year and Friday was the day to give them out! I was soosoosososo giddy morning of just because I was so excited to see their faces and their joy from receiving them.

And it went way better than I could ever ask for!! Everyone was so happy with their love letters and chocolate boxes and it put so much love in mi heart.. :3

But then everything went down hill cuz I told mi crush I liked him and he completely REJEECTEDDDD MEEEE!!! ;_; I lowkey dgaf anymore cuz I got over it the same day after crying my eyes out and then calling my bsf so we up. :3 Plus, president's week was the incoming week so I wouldn't have to see him at skool god BLESS.

I spent all of my break just coding my website and making it all cutsie.

But then I finally got my ass outside in the bright blue sky and went out with my friends to the mall on Friday. None of the party poopers came which made the hangout so much more amazeballs. Those who came were myself, Cailin, Melody, James, and Anthony!! We started the day off with casually browsing Victoria's Secret, the nerd geek stores, and grabbing some Wetzel's Pretzels. Then we made our way to the expo connected to the mall and searched for some pokemon cards and purchased ones that we thought represented each other!! Once we were done and were sure nobody else was coming, we turned into little nomads and walked a ways to the shopping center nearby to hit Barnes and Nobles and Daiso but also to grab a bite to eat since we were STARVING. Everyone got some manga and I got myself a pizza pretzel which was sooo good. The cheese was for sure chemically made in a lab but it was spectacular. Then we messed around a while and went back to the mall in the dark which was terrifying since I personally never walk on the streets in the dark... but we were fine and rested up at Panera!! :3

Now that my week of freedom is coming to a close and I'm gonna have to return to hell, I'm really grateful I got to experience so many new emotions and things this week cuz I think that is what life's all about.

Lots of love, Angel